With all of the negative publicity surrounding men it’s easy to see why men get such a bad rap in society. Turn on any news channel right now and chances are you will see one of the following stories; senseless acts of violence, corporate corruption, divorce, DWI, pedophilia, infidelity and the list goes on and on. So the question I pose is this, “Are men the real problem?”

 

At first glance it may appear that the answer is a resounding yes. Men do perpetuate a lot of the aforementioned social ills in society, and, if we based our answer entirely on the media stories then we could come to the conclusion that men are guilty as charged.

So once again I pose the question, “Are men the real problem?

My contention is that the answer is an emphatic NO!

It is my fervent belief that men are not the problem, the problem is that men are trapped in an antiquated paradigm of masculinity which contributes to most negative male behavior. To clarify what I mean I’ll begin by giving you my definition of a paradigm. ” A paradigm is a rigid way of believing, thinking and behaving.”  You will not find this definition in a dictionary or other scholarly document. It is a definition that I created to help men understand how a lot of our behaviors are driven by unconscious societal programming. When we are able to grasp this definition it opens the door for us to begin understanding why some men act the way they do and it lays the foundation for us to create some concrete solutions to the challenges men face. This in no way excuses negative male behavior. Every man is 100% responsible for his actions. By understanding the word paradigm we can then get to the “cause” of negative male behavior instead of only dealing with the effects of that behavior.

In the old paradigm of masculinity men accepted that our roles were pretty simple. We were supposed to provide for and protect our families. Our job was to “bring home the bacon” and to “discipline the kids.” Therefore, most of us bought in to the American dream which consisted of having the wife, the house, the 2.5 kids and the 401K. Once we accomplished these things we declare that “we made it” and therefore our lives should be complete. In this paradigm men are not taught about the importance of our own psychological, emotional and spiritual well being. Therefore we neglect our own needs for the needs of our family and others and that is why our dreams sometimes turn into nightmares.

Speaking from experience, I was definitely trapped in the old paradigm back in 1989. I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do in order to be a man yet my life was a mess. Within a six year period I went from having everything to having nothing. I went through a divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure and a deep state of depression and it got to a point where I even considered suicide. I was trapped in the old paradigm of masculinity and I had no idea how to get out. Fortunately for me, I heeded the advice of M. Scott Peck and I took the road less traveled. I chose to begin my journey of transformation and as a result I was able to break free from the old paradigm that I’m speaking about.

As a result of my twenty year journey, I discovered that what I needed to do was to first examine my deep rooted long held beliefs about what it means to be a man. This took courage, discipline and rigor and I had to be willing to confront several erroneous beliefs about masculinity that were driving my behaviors.  Beliefs like, to be a man you must be non-emotional and disconnected, or,  to be a man you must have money and material possessions, and, to be a man you must use sexual conquest as a gauge for manhood. These were just a few of the beliefs that I had to confront head on in order to break free. After discovering how my beliefs affect my thoughts, I then had to incorporate some new thoughts into my mind that supported my new understanding of masculinity. Thoughts like, “it’s ok to express my emotions openly and honestly.” “I don’t have to have material possessions to be loved” and “I can still be comfortable about my masculinity even if I choose to be celibate.” These new ways of thinking in turn began affecting my actions. As a result, I began sharing my emotions openly and honestly. I was no longer afraid of being labeled “weak” or overly sensitive and I became authentic in expressing how I really feel not just what I was thinking. As a result, all of my relationships became deeper and more intimate and I was able to get out of my head and into my heart and truly connect with others. I then made the commitment to find my life partner and I am happy to announce that I have been happily married for the past ten years and I have a marriage that truly nurtures and supports me.

This is what the new paradigm of masculinity is all about. It’s about encouraging men to embrace new ways of being men in this ever-changing world we live in. It’s about making it ok for men to be emotionally vulnerable and connected and removing the fear that in doing so, they will not risk losing their masculinity. It’s about breaking free from antiquated beliefs and behaviors that causes so much pain and suffering in our lives. It’s about empowering men to become better husbands and fathers, it’s about challenging men to create rewarding and fulfilling relationships and challenging men to create meaningful careers and dynamic health. In summary it’s about supporting men in becoming genuinely happy with their lives.

When society collectively recognizes that the old paradigm of masculinity no longer works and then makes a conscious choice to embrace a new paradigm, then we will recognize that men are not the problem but they definitely are the solution.

It’s time for a new conversation with men!