Contrary to popular belief, you can teach an old dog new tricks. In other words, every man has the ability and the capacity to change his behavior if he so chooses. It does not matter what color he is or how old he is. It does not matter what religion he practices or what school he graduated from. It does not matter if he’s from the inner city or the Hampton’s. If a man truly wants to change, he has the capacity to change. The problem isn’t a mans ability to change, the problem is that most men simply aren’t willing to change.
So the million dollar question is this, “why is it so difficult to get men to change?”
To answer this question I would like to share a story with you that will serve as a metaphor for why men are so resistant to change.
Have you ever heard the story of how they train elephants? When an elephant is first born the trainers use extremely huge and heavy chains to chain them to the ground. No matter how hard the baby elephant pulls on that chain they simply can’t break free. The elephant will pull and pull until it reaches a point of exhaustion and then it realizes the futility in it’s efforts and eventually they stop pulling. As the baby elephant grows up, they begin using smaller and smaller chains on him, and the elephant continues to pull but the elephant knows from previous experience that no matter how hard they try they simply can not break free. By the time the elephant is fully grown it only takes a small nylon rope to keep him imprisoned. A rope so small that it would only take a minimum amount of effort by the elephant to break free. Yet he wont do it. He simply stays trapped by an obstacle that is so small that it baffles the human mind that an animal that weighs several tons is being held back by a rope that would take very little effort on the elephants part to break free.
So why wont he do it? Why does he choose to stay imprisoned by such a small obstacle? The answer is simple, he does not “believe” that he can break through the obstacle based on his previous conditioning.
This is the primary reason most men are so resistant to change. They simply do not “believe” that they can change. Too many men fall victim to the belief that “that’s just the way that I am” and they refuse to be open-minded enough to see themselves from a different point of view. They remain locked in a prison in their own mind that keeps them from transforming their lives into something better.
Over the past 15 years I have lectured, coached and participated in many seminars that support men to embrace change and become authentically happy with themselves. I have watched men who were tough and rigid become loving and sensitive. I have witnessed men go from being a sleazy womanizer to being a monogamous, loving and caring husband. I have watched men be transformed from deadbeat dads to nurturing caring fathers, so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that any man can change if he makes the commitment to himself and wants to change.
So now I wanted to take this opportunity to share the top five reasons I believe some men refuse to change.
- Fear
- Pride/Shame
- Unwillingness to say I need help
- Unwillingness to say I don’t know
- Cultural conditioning
Fear
Most men may not admit it or they may not be aware of it but fear is the root cause of a mans unwillingness to change. We are afraid of change, afraid of failure, afraid of uncertainty, afraid of looking bad or being judged, afraid of success and afraid that we are not capable of change. Our culture has conditioned us to believe that feeling fear is definitely not okay so we repress and deny our fears and they show up in unconscious ways. For example: a man may appear to be tough and insensitive when in reality he is afraid of getting hurt so he uses being tough as a mask to hide his fear. Men devise a myriad of ways to deny their fears but it isn’t until they address them that they can truly change their lives.
Pride/Shame
Shame can be a powerful motivator but unfortunately it robs a man of his self worth and self esteem. When a man is driven by shame he feels that he is somehow inadequate or defective. So he tries to compensate by doing things that make him appear to be adequate and capable. Many high achievers are driven by shame. It can be a coping mechanism to temporarily help a man feel good about himself but unfortunately it is short lived because no matter what he accomplishes he still feels inadequate. If a man is gripped by shame he will definitely be resistant to change.
Unwillingness to say I Need Help!
I honestly believe that the three most difficult words for a man to say is “I Need Help!” Regretably, if a man is unwilling to admit he needs help he obviously can never expect to change. Most men will not admit that they need help until they experience some traumatic event in their lives. By then it is often too late and men will be forced to change after losing all they hold dear.
Unwillingness to say I Don’t Know!
The twin brother of I Need Help is I Don’t Know! It is another one of those simple phrases that men have so much trouble saying. By declaring that we don’t know, we open the door to know, and it isn’t until we admit that we don’t know, that we can truly learn and know something new. If a man is going to change, he must be willing to begin by saying I don’t know!
Cultural Conditioning
Just like the elephant in the story above we are conditioned by our upbringing and we carry an enormous amount of limiting beliefs about ourselves from childhood. In order to change, we must understand how our families our cultures and our media shapes our perceptions of the world. By becoming conscious of the limiting beliefs and perceptions we have about what it means to be a man, we open the door to change. Awareness is the key! By becoming aware, we open ourselves up to the possibility to change and to break through our cultural conditioning.
In summary, every man can change. What has been missing is a powerful positive resource to support them in their change. That is the intention of coachmichaeltaylor.com and my latest book A New Conversation With Men. I want to support you in your change and transformation because if I can change from a high school dropout who then climbed the corporate ladder to become a successful mid level manager, and then lost it all and experienced divorce, bankruptcy and foreclosure and then, rebuilt my life by becoming an entrepreneur, author, speaker and radio show host, then I know that you can change your life also.
The key is simple, you just have to remember “The Only Thing Constant Is Change!”